People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height