[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
this FaceApp is creepy af