Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news