Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.