Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
You Might Also Like
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow