Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
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My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex