What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.