the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
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Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.