So that’s what we looked like?
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[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
WTF
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
🤣😈🤣
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*