“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Received some very disappointing news today
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.