November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
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@ candidates for local office
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
for all #parents out there
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