A man of commitment.
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Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Still cracks me up
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
thank god the sign was there
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean