My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children