Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
A duv-egg? In this economy?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.