I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe