HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
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Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The government even made aliens boring
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
At least try to make it slightly believable
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.