[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
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1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
S O O N
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
the three genders
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.