After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
just got my engagement photos
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My diet starts in January
of 2027
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?