Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
The game has officially changed 😎
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again