ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.