Noah was an idiot.
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Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
#merica
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Every work meeting this week
Buying a well is money well spent.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK