Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*