Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
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Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
real