Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
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POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it