stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.