Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
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I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
they should invent a hydrating liquor
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?