I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Worst perfume name ever.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.