Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Had to try this trend 😊
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.