Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
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IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I’ve had relationships like this
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.