I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
termite twitter scares me
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
me hooking up with my ex
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon