Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
This is why I hate group projects
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you