Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
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The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.