If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
You Might Also Like
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
But wait…
When life hands you women, make women laid.