friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.