Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
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AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
A huge thanks to the person that did this
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there