Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
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I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Bloody internet 😳
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”