“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Herpes is trending, good job people
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.