Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
scared to check what name she chose
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Hot Hot Hot
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Omg 🤣
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”