“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Ironic
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same