Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭