[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?![]()
You Might Also Like
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
![]()
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Bro what is this
![]()
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Wait a minute…
![]()
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*