Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.