Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
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her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Aaaa…CHOO!
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”