Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
You Might Also Like
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool