JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
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wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate