Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
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I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I thought this was funny lol
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
scares
Grandmother clock.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart