awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
You Might Also Like
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.