Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
#gardening
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.