Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
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Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.