@funTweeters I am at your service….
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“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap